Female Kidnapppers: Episode one

Place: City of Melbourne, Australia

Scenario 1: A man comes back home from work. As soon as he enters the house, he finds that whole of his house is a big mess and his wife and his kids are not inside their house.

Man (tired) : Bloody Hell, Where is Cathy off to again?

Muttering under his breath, he opens fridge to help himself with a bottle of Victoria Bitter. With an expertise that can only be acquired after years of practice, he single handedly opens the bottle against smoothly-dented end of the fridge; takes a large swig and then circles the house once again.

He notices that no food preparation is done. So he quickly puts Pasta in pot and starts it to boil. (Pasta cooking is easy for blokes, ya'll know that)

Then his eyes fall upon a piece of paper lying on middle of the dining table and imprisoned in its place by big black marker. He walks to the note and finds it to be simple note from Cathy ...

Hi Howard

Just to let you know that today was my last day with you. As you may be already be aware, I have been dating Peter at work and .... well things are little too strong between Peter and I now. I love him more than anything else in the world (you included). I am taking Jason and Brenda with me, so you are now a FREE MAN!!!

Cathy

PS : I have taken $5000 Cash from under the bed that you earned by working extra second job. I know, I know, you needed it for a new car; Your old ones a gonner. But I have taken it all to look after YOUR KIDS ONLY. They deserve a bright future.

Last line ran Howard cold. He runs to the hiding place where he had kept the money and wife had not just taken the $5,000; She had walked off with the entire box. He reckoned that there were atleast $2,000 more inside it. He gulps rest of his beer quickly and immediately regretting that he gulped it.

He muttered under breath "I've got to go to the police. I will also need to go to lawyers. Surely, those blokes will be able to help me sort out the mess that this bi*ch has now caused".

Scenario 2: Police Station

Howard is now at the Police station and is talking to the desk sergeant. He narrates his story quickly and with as much emotion as he could muster. He does get choked up when he thinks of his little girl, Brenda, but a man that he was taught to be, he does not show his moistened eye to the Sergeant. He finishes his talking and then looks with child-like-questioning-eyes at the Sergeant.

Sergeant starts with: And the problem is?

Howard (stunned): I told you, she took money and. B**ch took all that I had saved by ...
(trails off his statement realizing the source of money)

Sergeant is now bored with this man and with he gives him a Why-do-all-problems-like-this-come-only-when-I-am-shift look.

Sergeant creating the most sympathetic and yet uncaring and unemotional voice says:

Look Mate, GO HOME! She will come back!
(In any case, somebody else at the police station will have to handle you, if you come back)

Howard does not like the answer and is still deeply distressed about sudden change in his future...

Howard (getting impatient): No! I want to file a complaint!!!

Sergeant: Look Mate, you cannot file any complaint for kids. And did you bring any proof that you had the money? And Why was the money in a shoe box? How do you know that she took it?

Howard (now angry): Look!!! I have a note from her that says that

Sergeant (angrier): Hey, don't you show your attitude here. I ain't your wife.
Under his breath: no wonder she left you

Howard thumps hand on table: I want to see your superior.

Sergeant:(Lying) I am the only one you need to see. Look, you've got no case to complain for money. And Kids, well, go to family court tommorow. And last thing. You need to do something with your anger, MATE. That is why your wife left you

Howard(angry voice): No, I do not get angry. I am not that kind of man. I do not gamble, well pokies every fortnight. I did not have any other woman. I just want you to come with me to this Peter-blokes house and get my wife to return money, because I need it for my car.

Sergeant (Suddenly interested): Eh, so your car is more important than your kids?

Howard (deflated): No, you see my old car is 1962 Honda and all parts are gone. I need a new one otherwise I will not be able to go to my work.

Sergeant : I am sorry that is nothing we can help you with in this regard. Here, why don't you take this brochures about Men and separation. Call them up. (Quickly hand him a whole lot of colorful nice pamphlets)

Howard (deflated): I don't need f**king pamphlets. I need to find a caring and sympathetic ear and able hands. I adore my kids. How am I gonna live without them. Bloody B**ch. All she wanted was money. I worked like a slave to get us good stuff and all f**king C*&t wants is to ... F**K!!!

Sergeant: Sir, I have to warn you to watch your language, otherwise we will book you in for indecency.

Howard (excited): You can book for bad language? bit**.... Sorry, My wife, sorry my ex-wife has been calling me nasty names from last six months. Two weeks ago she threw a whole 4 litre can of paint on me, when I came home, because I had to forgot to bring her dress from laundry. I have scars from the edge of the can, see!!! (Excitedly pulls his shirt up to show his large beer gut)

Sergeant (chuckles) : And you say that your wife hit you with a can of paint. Is that can still there?

Howard: No it all spilled, so we threw it away.

Sergeant: How do you expect me to believe that can was thrown at you?

Howard (in disbelief) : I showed you the scar!

Sergeant repeats his canned and polite instructions and waves his hand as if he was dismissing Howard from his Royal Court. Howard has no choice, so he complies dejectedly. Next stop for Howard is nearest pub where he drinks himself silly ... (to be continued)

Exit Interview (A joke)

One day, a husband walks into his home tired after a long days work to find following note stuck on his refrigerator ...

Dear Husband:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been real hell. Your boss called today to tell me that you had just quit your job. That was the last straw!!!

Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done. I had cooked your favorite meal and had even wore a brand new negligee just for you. You came home, ate your meal in two minutes and went straight to bed after watching the game.

You don't tell me you love me anymore;
You don't touch me or do anything to make me feel special
Either you're now cheating with me or you don't love me anymore,
whatever the case maybe, I am gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't.
Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Your EX-Wife

And what did the husband do upon reading such note? Well, He had a nice cool drink and then He wrote a reply back to his ex-wife ...

Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing made my day better than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that it does not work.

I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!". My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice.

When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep knowing that you were in new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But whenI got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason I guess.

I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla.
I hope that's not a problem.

Signed
Rich As Hell and Free!